Getting In Your Own Way?
by David C. Miller, FSA, MSCC
This article is reprinted from the January 2007 issue of The Stepping Stone, newsletter of the SOA's Management and Personal Development Section.
I’ve heard it said that human beings have billions of thoughts each and every day … and 99 percent of those thoughts are the same ones they had yesterday!!
If those thoughts are not supporting you, you will no doubt have trouble getting the results you want and overcoming the challenges along the way. Being able to manage your psychology is at least 80 percent of the battle in being successful.
The following is a list of Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking as defined by David D. Burns, M.D., author of The Feeling Good Handbook. Most of us live with these thoughts day-in and day-out. Discover which one permeates your mind and steals your motivation! Just being aware of it, will weaken its hold over you and you can begin to "untwist" your thinking!
1. All-Or-Nothing Thinking
You see things in black-or-white categories. Anything short of perfection is seen as a total failure. You make one mistake and the whole deal is blown! You have a spoonful of ice cream, and think “I’ve blown my whole diet” and gobble down a half-gallon. In business you might find yourself analyzing a situation and looking at only two options–usually the two extremes. “I can stay in this job I hate or I could quit tomorrow.” There are probably over a hundred other options you can consider. When this “binomial-type” analysis occurs, it’s usually because of all-or-nothing thinking.
2. Overgeneralization
You know this is happening when words like “always” or “never” cross your mind. You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat. A consultant hears “no” from a prospect and thinks, “I’ll never get a sale.”
3. Mental Filter
You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively. As a result, your vision of reality becomes darkened, like putting a drop of ink in a glass of water. For example, you receive many positive comments about a presentation you made, but one person says something mildly critical. You obsess about his reaction for days and ignore all the positive feedback.
4. Discounting the Positive
You reject positive experiences by saying they “don’t count.” You do a good job and minimize it by thinking you could have done better or that anyone could have done as well. This takes the joy out of life and makes you feel inadequate and unrewarded.
5. Jumping to Conclusions
You interpret things negatively when there are no facts to support your conclusion. There are two forms of jumping to conclusions: (A) Mind reading: without checking it out, you arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you. (B) Fortune-telling: You predict things will turn out badly. For example, before a presentation, you think “What if I freeze up?” or “They’re going to hate our recommendation.”
6. Magnification
You exaggerate the significance of your problems and shortcomings and you minimize the value of your desirable qualities. One time at a seminar, I was working with a participant about his fear of interviewing. I asked him to close his eyes and imagine himself in an interviewing situation. I could visibly tell that he was anxious, so I asked him what thoughts were going through his mind. He replied, “Millions of people are interviewing for this job.” Millions of people? By the way, he wasn’t interviewing for The Apprentice. This was a classic case of magnification.
7. Emotional Reasoning
You assume your emotions reflect the way things really are. “I feel uncomfortable asking for the sale, so it must be an inappropriate thing to do.” Or “I feel inadequate so I must really be inferior.” Our emotions are like the weather–they can change day-to-day and moment by moment for many different reasons. Our emotions are valuable because they point to our perceptions of ourselves and the world around us, yet they are often not reflective of what’s really going on. So we need to be careful about how we respond to our emotions.
8. “Should” Statements
You tell yourself that things should be the way you hoped for or expected them to be. “Musts,” “oughts” and “have tos” are similar offenders. These statements reflect rules that we have adopted either explicitly or implicitly. When these statements are directed against yourself, they lead to guilt and frustration. When directed toward others, they often lead to anger and frustration. They rarely put you in a resourceful state to change behavior. Instead they will often make you feel either rebellious (and give you the urge to do the opposite) or hopeless (and make you want to do nothing).
9. Labeling
This is an extreme form of all-or-nothing thinking. Instead of saying, “I made a mistake,” you attach a negative label to yourself: “I’m a loser.” You might also label yourself “a fool” or “a jerk.” This is irrational because “you’re not what you do.” These labels are useless abstractions that lead to anger, anxiety, frustration and low self-esteem.
10. Personalization and Blame
Personalization occurs when you hold yourself personally responsible for an event that is not entirely under your control. A classic example is the person who regularly takes the blame for other’s unhappiness. Although we may be able to influence other people’s feelings, we certainly are not responsible for them. Another example is when a mother finds out her child is having difficulties in school and thinks, “This shows what kind of mother I am.” Personalization leads to guilt, shame and feelings of inadequacy.
Some people do the opposite. They blame other people or their circumstances for their problems, and they overlook ways that they may be contributing to the problem. “The reason my job does not work is because I have an unreasonable boss.” Blame usually doesn’t work very well because other people will resent being scapegoated and they will toss the blame right back in your lap. It’s like a game of hot potato–no one wants to get stuck with it.
Becoming aware of this type of thinking is the first step to creating change. Once you’re aware you can “shift” your thinking to engage more rational responses to the events you encounter. Then as you condition this new way of thinking, you’ll notice a significant improvement in how you feel about and respond to these types of triggering events.
David C. Miller FSA, MSCC is a Professional Business Coach who works with actuaries, consultants and executives who desire to attract more clients and have a greater impact on their organization. He conducts seminars and one-on-one coaching in business development, influence, leadership, team building and communication effectiveness. He can be reached at dave@BusinessGrowthNow.com or 215-968-2483 or for tips, tools and strategies about how to grow your business, go to www.BusinessGrowthNow.com.